Revenge is not a dish best served cold. Revenge is a primal urge to show your opponent how you have suffered and how you have worked so hard to make them suffer.

Furthermore how their suffering has inspired you to do a jig of joy on their freshly made grave, while their limo corpse is still cooling.

I, of course, speak metaphorically.

Boss – Your review is due in the next two weeks.

Me – Huh. Oh is it? (casual to the point of disinterest)

Boss – I was wondering when you wanted to come over for it. My diary is pretty free next Thursday.

Me – Oh. Well I’ve been thinking about that. Funny story really. I was at this work event and bumped into &&&&. Isn’t he your boss? He’s so lovely! You never mentioned that he was so lovely! And i didn’t know he was a keen golfer.

Boss – Hmm is he? How interesting.

Me – (adopting a subconscious Vally girl upspeak) And i love golf (lie) and it was really weird as we both knew Steve from marketing and &&&& didn’t know Steve was a golfer too (partial lie) and we both thought how nice Steve was (blatant lie) and how we should all go golfing together. Anyway we talked about work and where we saw the sector going (utter lie). He was keen to hear how the project was going (badly) and why (badly run fiefdoms die splendid deaths).

Boss – That’s nice (meaning anything but).

Me – And we are meeting for lunch Next week. Which is great, because it turns out he was looking to mentor someone and I was looking for a mentor. Isn’t that a weird coincidence!?! (by this point the glee is genuine and all my words run to form a kind of breathless gobbledygook)

Boss – I see. (le penny it starts to descend).

Me – Yeah so we chatted about that for aaaaaaggggges and he was really interested and the he mentioned that your review was on the 20th. And that you would both be here then (by this point I can’t even stop myself 1- from using ‘and’ as every other word, 2- from the upspeak. In all honesty I don’t even know why it came out. Neither one of us is American. Perhaps I didn’t want my implied ‘nahnah nah nana’ to be so obvious or that implied. Who knows?)

Boss – Yes…. I guess it makes sense for me to come and see you for your review then.

Me – Oh good. I thought you’d agree. (go lie down as adrenaline recedes)

Ta da!!

Ok so not a huge victory in any way shape or form i hear you say! No victory in playing her own pointless little game. But i had the opportunity and didn’t want to waste it! To me it was like realising she is not my master and more importantly that I’m no longer her bitch! I have a secret (she is shit at her job (shhhh don’t tell)) and I now have HER masters ear.

The next few weeks will be a whole load of sadistic fun!!


Turning 35

I’m convinced that at different parts of the year time moves more slowly or more quickly.

There is a pattern and at its centre are key life dates. For some it’s Christmas; they expectantly count the days down. Time moves faster the closer you get to the end of December. But as soon as the calendar has flipped past the 26th the days become endless and it seems we will never get back to cold and winter and snow. This is how it works for some, most often children. They look forward to treats and gifts and a long time off school.

For others there are national or religious holidays that are the highlight of a year. They bring things we all crave – time out from our usual days, more (or different) food and togetherness.

The key to all these events whether they be anniversaries or holiday, feasts of any kind is that they bring people together. Sure there is still loneliness but mostly they are a time of sharing.

One annual event isn’t. It stands alone, shining a bright beam or a dull glare on a sole person. Birthdays.

They are riddled with complications and expectations. I’m not sure what they bring to others but to me they bring stress and worry.

My first objection is with having to not out do every previous birthday but also to defy age and not show the lines, the greys or fatigue. Then there is the inevitable “What did you do for your birthday?” question that you get asked a million times.

I want to say “Oh for my birthday? Well not much… I climbed Kilimanjaro and took a short break at the very top to compose a haiku poem and then tweet it to all my followers while drinking a glass of Dom and eating palm hearts. You know… The usual”. Ok that’s a lie – that is not what I’d like to say.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve had some amazing birthdays. A lot have involved travel, many have been very decadent, one or two flipping amazing.

And even then I just really don’t want to share those private moments with everyone or anyone most of the time. I like to have my bf (and partner in crime) along for the ride but really must I tell everyone about it??

One of my closest friends Queenie does NOT do birthdays. She doesn’t celebrate ageing or the fact she’s gotten so far. Sometimes I think I might like that too but I never quite have the courage to do it.

Perhaps it’s not courage. I do enjoy birthdays in certain aspects. I like eating my own body weight in cake, drinking too much and receiving gifts.
And truth be told I have poor idea of whether I matter to people or not. Getting cards and nice wishes and words stands to remind me that over the last year I have been a good friend and that in general people are glad I’m in their lives. If I swore off birthdays I would miss that – however crappy that sounds.

This year I had a rolling birthday as the actual day fell mid week and inadvertently (we were there for a wedding reception) celebrated at the weekend by visiting the Big Smoke, ambling about, shopping and eating. The night before the Day i had a BBQ with my bff and bf (acronymtastic) and ate a ton of cake. The day itself I we played low key. Went to work, came home did some chores, had a nice meal out. Nothing inventive but none the less relaxing and happy.

The bf wasn’t sure if this constitutes a good birthday or not and is unconvinced by my explanation.

You see I loved it. There was no stress, nothing to organise, no flights, trains or plans. We followed our desires and just had a lively sunny relaxing time. This birthday (all 4 days of it) has made the top five.

I’m fallible and often let down by my memory so I can’t remember all my birthdays but I think one stands out for me always. It was my 16th birthday. Life at home was complicated and life in the country more so. My best friend took me to the middle of the countryside, to her uncles farm, where in a courtyard we sat up in the tall high branches of a cherry tree and ate our fill. We where there for hours, chatting and eating. Being young and silly and forgetting the troubles that lay outside. For a short space of time we got away and lived a Enid Blyton childhood, that neither of us had had.

So yes this year my birthday was FANTASTIC for me. I loved it and felt really loved, happy and relaxed.

I still didn’t want to relate the story or explain why I liked it.