Revenge is not a dish best served cold. Revenge is a primal urge to show your opponent how you have suffered and how you have worked so hard to make them suffer.
Furthermore how their suffering has inspired you to do a jig of joy on their freshly made grave, while their limo corpse is still cooling.
I, of course, speak metaphorically.
Boss – Your review is due in the next two weeks.
Me – Huh. Oh is it? (casual to the point of disinterest)
Boss – I was wondering when you wanted to come over for it. My diary is pretty free next Thursday.
Me – Oh. Well I’ve been thinking about that. Funny story really. I was at this work event and bumped into &&&&. Isn’t he your boss? He’s so lovely! You never mentioned that he was so lovely! And i didn’t know he was a keen golfer.
Boss – Hmm is he? How interesting.
Me – (adopting a subconscious Vally girl upspeak) And i love golf (lie) and it was really weird as we both knew Steve from marketing and &&&& didn’t know Steve was a golfer too (partial lie) and we both thought how nice Steve was (blatant lie) and how we should all go golfing together. Anyway we talked about work and where we saw the sector going (utter lie). He was keen to hear how the project was going (badly) and why (badly run fiefdoms die splendid deaths).
Boss – That’s nice (meaning anything but).
Me – And we are meeting for lunch Next week. Which is great, because it turns out he was looking to mentor someone and I was looking for a mentor. Isn’t that a weird coincidence!?! (by this point the glee is genuine and all my words run to form a kind of breathless gobbledygook)
Boss – I see. (le penny it starts to descend).
Me – Yeah so we chatted about that for aaaaaaggggges and he was really interested and the he mentioned that your review was on the 20th. And that you would both be here then (by this point I can’t even stop myself 1- from using ‘and’ as every other word, 2- from the upspeak. In all honesty I don’t even know why it came out. Neither one of us is American. Perhaps I didn’t want my implied ‘nahnah nah nana’ to be so obvious or that implied. Who knows?)
Boss – Yes…. I guess it makes sense for me to come and see you for your review then.
Me – Oh good. I thought you’d agree. (go lie down as adrenaline recedes)
Ok so not a huge victory in any way shape or form i hear you say! No victory in playing her own pointless little game. But i had the opportunity and didn’t want to waste it! To me it was like realising she is not my master and more importantly that I’m no longer her bitch! I have a secret (she is shit at her job (shhhh don’t tell)) and I now have HER masters ear.
The next few weeks will be a whole load of sadistic fun!!