Don’t abandon hope all who enter here

Don’t abandon hope any who enter here. I have felt very hopeless of late but its starting to come back to me.

So Its been a while. A long while. I did feel that this little seedling of a blog had been abandoned but here I am again ready to give it another go.

Its been a challenging few months. The summer went by in fear, despair and anxiety with little or no good news. Often not even a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Needless to say that every sphere of my life has recently been hit and some fully annihilated.

But I guess I must be a cockroach as here i am – surviving. Eventually maybe even thriving.

In the back of my mind the whole time though was my work. My writing. Was this the legendary writers block? Was i unable to write? I dont think it was. I just needed all my mental capacity to keep my self going and I didn’t have any spare time or energy to feed my characters and to edit edit edit.

Yet they were all still there. Still living their lives and reliving certain actions and events. Their world kept unfolding in my mind even if the fingers never touched keys and pen never touched paper.

In the midst of anger or sadness It would occur to me that Edgar must have known Nick and that when Miles went missing of all the people in the world he would have a t least considered going to one of them. And what of the elusive uncle? Was he that elusive or was he about to come in from the cold? On and on it went. It wasn’t a shelter or a pass time. I never actively sought to think of the book. If anything I tried to put it out of my mind, sick with guilt that I had devoted it no time in months.

As Lear said “Nothing will come of nothing”. I too had always thought that no effort would bring no results. But it seems its not always the case. They kept on living and playing out their lives and every once in a while i saw what they were up to, surprised at the elegant moves some had made too gentle and elegant for me ever to have thought of them.

So I’m back and ready to start listening to them again and to start writing and editing.

The cold slap of water in the face will come tonight where the writing group will review a small yet vital chapter of mine. Having reread it today It needs a lot of work and the amateur spelling mistakes and autocorrect spell checker (I think i wrote the chapter on my iPhone!) are embarrassing – My favourite (most awful one) is “i witness”. *face palm*

They will rip me to shreds. Yet it will help me and I oh so deserve it!

Wish me luck.

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Mwahahaha

Revenge is not a dish best served cold. Revenge is a primal urge to show your opponent how you have suffered and how you have worked so hard to make them suffer.

Furthermore how their suffering has inspired you to do a jig of joy on their freshly made grave, while their limo corpse is still cooling.

I, of course, speak metaphorically.

Boss – Your review is due in the next two weeks.

Me – Huh. Oh is it? (casual to the point of disinterest)

Boss – I was wondering when you wanted to come over for it. My diary is pretty free next Thursday.

Me – Oh. Well I’ve been thinking about that. Funny story really. I was at this work event and bumped into &&&&. Isn’t he your boss? He’s so lovely! You never mentioned that he was so lovely! And i didn’t know he was a keen golfer.

Boss – Hmm is he? How interesting.

Me – (adopting a subconscious Vally girl upspeak) And i love golf (lie) and it was really weird as we both knew Steve from marketing and &&&& didn’t know Steve was a golfer too (partial lie) and we both thought how nice Steve was (blatant lie) and how we should all go golfing together. Anyway we talked about work and where we saw the sector going (utter lie). He was keen to hear how the project was going (badly) and why (badly run fiefdoms die splendid deaths).

Boss – That’s nice (meaning anything but).

Me – And we are meeting for lunch Next week. Which is great, because it turns out he was looking to mentor someone and I was looking for a mentor. Isn’t that a weird coincidence!?! (by this point the glee is genuine and all my words run to form a kind of breathless gobbledygook)

Boss – I see. (le penny it starts to descend).

Me – Yeah so we chatted about that for aaaaaaggggges and he was really interested and the he mentioned that your review was on the 20th. And that you would both be here then (by this point I can’t even stop myself 1- from using ‘and’ as every other word, 2- from the upspeak. In all honesty I don’t even know why it came out. Neither one of us is American. Perhaps I didn’t want my implied ‘nahnah nah nana’ to be so obvious or that implied. Who knows?)

Boss – Yes…. I guess it makes sense for me to come and see you for your review then.

Me – Oh good. I thought you’d agree. (go lie down as adrenaline recedes)

Ta da!!

Ok so not a huge victory in any way shape or form i hear you say! No victory in playing her own pointless little game. But i had the opportunity and didn’t want to waste it! To me it was like realising she is not my master and more importantly that I’m no longer her bitch! I have a secret (she is shit at her job (shhhh don’t tell)) and I now have HER masters ear.

The next few weeks will be a whole load of sadistic fun!!

Lame-ass not kick-ass

This isn’t a blog of the girl done good. It’s not a display of how well things went. It’s not a record of my coolness.

I make mistakes at every turn. I always have. Everything I’ve ever gotten came from blind luck and oblivious persistence.

Nothing was easy. Nothing landed in my lap. I worked. I tried. I failed. I dusted my self off and started again. Well in the interest of honesty I should add… I failed. I cried. I ate a pile of chocolate. Cried some more. Ate some ice cream. You get the picture.

The point is when some were drinking tequila shots and frolicking on beaches I was cutting things up and looking at them through a microscope. I was collecting samples. I was checking the statistics. I was *really* caring about the Genome project.

When some were having sleepovers and talking about boys I was reading Jules Verne and dreaming of being an astronaut.

When asked in junior school what I wanted to do when I grew up I didn’t say Model, or Singer (or as my real life class mates responded “taxi driver” and “secretary”) I said I really wanted to win the Novel prize for Science.

When my sight failed I went to specsavers and wore BIG glasses, not because they looked bang on trend but because they were cheap and gave me a good field of vision. I wore chinos and loafers and blazers. I didn’t do it to look cool. I wanted to be both comfortable and smart.

I still collect stationary and have discerning opinions on post-it notes. Even as a child I collected napkins. Ever need a correctly folded napkin swan in an emergency? Call me! And just wait till you see my stamp collection! It’s both massive and comprehensive.

I’m in danger of frothing at the mouth here before I’ve even reached my actual point.

And it’s this: Fuck off! Nerdiness is mine.

Succinct I think you’ll agree. Really it’s a message to all those Johnny-come-latelys trying to steal my identity.

I don’t remember laminating your chess club member card.

Where were you when plimsoles were first in?

Take your satchel bags, your faux tipex nails and fuck off.

Nerdiness is mine. I earned it. This isn’t some short and torrid love affair with polyester. It’s a lifestyle choice. It’s a long term commitment. It’s taken decades and it shows no signs of fading.

So back off and get your own thing.

Breaking the Cherry

The blog cherry that is. I must admit mine is hard to break. OK the hang up I have about blogs is hard to dispel.

When they first entered my little world around 2000 it was via friends blogs. I did give them a go at the time. I swear I did. Or at least I tried to. All my perceptions of blogs to date have been coloured with this first experience.

It wasn’t a good one. They were all really journal entries and not the entries of smart and sophisticated adults. They were insights into other people’s deepest inner worlds. Thus a view into their tiny paranoia their  over generous self-esteem and a tagged and classified display of their hang ups, the boulders not chips on their shoulders.

I didn’t then and don’t now want to know how a snub by the office flirt years ago reverberated through a mates inner world and caused permanent scaring that he shields behind a happy-go-lucky smile.

I had till then thought that being able to hear another persons – every persons – thoughts would be a boon but I know differently – if these teen angst prone blogs show any thing it’s that the deepest feelings are best left inside for us to deal with on our own or with professional help. I agree its therapeutic to write down the burden of the inner monologue. It’s just the publishing it to the Universe and its mother that I objected to. Yes write – please do but keep it to your selves.

Recently through new acquaintances and friends as well as my own searchings on the net I have found that blogs can be different. That they are purposeful and can show interesting opinions and beliefs. They can amuse, educate and enlighten and most of all they can entertain and make me laugh.

So where does that put me with the blog I will be attempting? In all honesty I’m not sure. To me this is an experiment. Can I be that amusing and entertaining person? I don’t aspire to write literature but I would love to put words on paper (or screen) that others will love, that will move them and crease their lips in a smile or tug gently at the heart-strings.

We’ll see.